Ichi's Journal

Thu, 04 Dec 2008 01:54:20 GMT

Don't ask why, more out of morbid curiosity, I found this.

The top ten reasons to live rather than die
For most of us, dying would be infinitely easier than living-- for life is hard! But there may be some reasons to delay your exit which haven't occurred to you...

#1: Love. Yeah, it sounds sappy, I know. But when you come down to the nitty gritty of it all, love is pretty much all that counts in the end. At least for reasonably sane and healthy folks.

Family, friends. Children. Spouses or significant others. However you want to describe it, love or lack of it may be the ultimate deal-breaker where life and death are concerned.

Remove all love from the equation and I'd be willing to bet that the human race would go entirely extinct almost immediately. We might or might not have enough time to go bonkers before we all died off.

So long as you're alive, even if you have no love at present, there's still a chance some might come your way. It helps that others out there are seeking it as well.

And yes, most all adults immersed in the media of the developed world crave something like the myth of the soul-mate. A romantic love teeming with tantalizing and invigorating sexual escapades and/or other shared adventures which never end, and never lose their excitement and intrigue. Passion and lots of it. For that stuff can be as pleasurable and addictive-- if not more so!-- as anything else life has to offer.

But whatever passionate relationships most of us form never even come close to meeting such high expectations. That's fine though. For that's not the only kind of love which can make life worth living.

Indeed, the vast majority of humanity out there eventually realizes the never-ending soul-mate sexual nirvana scenario is unrealistic-- and even impossible-- for all sorts of reasons. And so become willing-- even eager-- to settle for the consistent compassion and companionship to be found in a good marriage or friendship or other close relationship.

Passion burns and consumes, while compassion warms and sustains. So our best chances of finding lasting, real world love likely reside in the arena of compassion rather than passion. Family and friend type stuff, rather than Romeo and Juliet. Yeah, such a thing sure doesn't sound as exciting as soul-mates. But it's more real, accessible, and sustainable over the long haul for most of us. And can often be plenty satisfying itself.

By J.R. Mooneyham

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 18:59:09 GMT

I wonder if I did anything wrong? Its one thing to be hated its another to be ignored. Not sure which one I'd prefer. But if I was hated at least I would know were I stood. Sorry all very cryptic I know. Lets just say someone I care about more than I really have a right too, is just plain snubbing me and I can't for the life of me figure out why? Maybe I'm just being paranoid, but even if I am, its not like I don't have good reason to be.

Heathers been nothing but kind to me, and thank god I have her to talk to. Though she has her own life now, and working two jobs gives me little to no time for talk, let alone anything else. Just enough time to think about my life, which is no good at all. God I need a job that'll get my mind off everything.

Maybe she figured out I like her, usually when that happens one of two things accure. One they fall out say they hate me and treat me like dirt so they make sure they send the message home that they want nothing to do with me. Or two they ignore me completely and hope the problem with go away. I have a feeling its number two, she's kind enough not to want to hurt me, and probably doesn't honestly know what to do right now in that regard. Or maybe she knows nothing, and I'm being an idiot. Which could also be the case.

I truly wish I didn't feel this way, life would be so much easier if I could just not care. It's sad I spend a better part of a day trying to get up enough nerve to call here. Only to get her messaging service.

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 02:22:14 GMT

Working two jobs, two mind numbing, soul crushing jobs. Makes me wonder why I went to College for 6 years. Oh, if I didn't I wouldn't get to pay 200 dollars in student loans every month. Wouldn't want to miss out on that.

I don't know, right not I'm not feeling much like anything, nothing to look forward to but the same shit. I hate the holidays, more so now that I'm working retail. A Wal-Mart employee was kill this Black Friday. I fucking hate Wal-mart...everything about it so damn phony, not that the bank is any better. I bet they didn't even close the store down when the poor sap got trampled.

Sorry, pointless entree, but just wanted to bitch before I had to go in to work and get yell at for calling off the night before. Regret really sucks...how do you live a life without any regret really?

Fuck I got to go to work...see ya...

Punch Drunk

Fri, 15 Aug 2008 01:41:59 GMT

I rather sick of people telling me what I should do with my life. I know I should fine something better, I know running on no sleep is bad for me, but right now my only option is working two jobs. I'm dead tired and I have little to no time for anything anymore. But at least I'm not living hand to mouth like before. Nothing quite like applying for jobs only to get nice rejection letters less then a week after.

Never mind the fact that I'm being nearly completely snubbed by someone I thought was one of my closest friends. Which in all reality doesn't really mean much and ok maybe I think about her way more than I should but I've never let that be an issue between us. Honestly just wish I knew what I did to deserve the cold awkward shoulder I've been getting. Its been one hell of a week, found out my old dog died, painfully from want I'm told. And that my Dad has skin cancer and is going into surgery next Wednesday. Of course in my typical Dad fassion he's chosen not to tell anyone. I only know because when my mom decide to tell me the dogs dead she had a mental break down and spilled the beans but she had to talk to someone. Which I fully understand, just wasn't expecting it. Week from hell I tell you.

Otakon was a blast, wish it was longer. Had a great time and spent too much money but eh, its why I work two jobs. I feel bad about getting such a dive of a hotel. But I was limited to one what was available, two location to convention, and three keeping it cheap. It was cheap all right and only 20 minutes away. We hardly spent any time there, so I really don't feel like feeling to sorry about it. Next time I won't book a room there. And theres only so much shit I can take about being a bad driver. Next time someone else can drive, I'm not use to driving in Balitmore, sue me.

lkjasdlkdldlkjj...yeah

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 19:23:06 GMT

Ok in between classes right now and I honestly don't know how this semester's going to play out. So much is happening, and I just wish everything would slow down a little. I'm still getting use to living on my own, hell I'm still unpacking. My car broke down the other day >_>, it was old and that was bound to happen, but come on the first freaking day of school! I feel bad about it but my mom gave me hers. Of course thats because she hates it to begin with and now she can pressure dad into getting a new one, like we're rich or something, so yeah I'm glad to have it, but I still feel guilty. I have to admit, living on your own is alot harder that I thought it would be, I'm so sick of worrying, I woke up this morning and my leg didn't want to move right...I'm so screwed up right now its not funny. The only saving grace is that I have Heather near by to keep me sane, and yes I realize how weird that might sound, but its true. I think I'll pass out a bit before my next class...so tired

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 21:14:34 GMT

What to say, what to say...well I've been packing the last couple to days, deciding what to keep and what to throw away, nothing to excitiing there. To be honest alot has happened to me the last two days, and honestly I don't know what to do. I've never felt this sick, I threw up this morning, sleep is near impossible, in fact I can only do that when I'm phyically exausted. I can't stop thinking, and for some reason I'm shaking, food doesn't taste good to me at all. I wish I was anyone but myself right now...I hate feeling this weak, helpless, and alone.

Fimiliar Hell

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 09:46:51 GMT

Its late, sleep is impossible for me, I just lay here and stare into my dark room. My hearts still pumping a mile a minute and I can't slow it down. My thoughts attack me, lies have lost there sweet razor edge, dulled they are useless, and I find that I am unable to defend myself. All I hoped for, all I thought was finally within my reach is gone, shattered into so many pieces. Now everything seems colorless and hollow. I'm back to an old familiar hell; one I swore I'd never come to again.

Yet, here I am, not sure where to go or what to do. I hate it here. I spend countless hours reflecting on myself, who I am, why I am, and why that’s never enough. Doubt seeps in and mixes with hope leaving me with an agonizing wrenching sensation. I try to fully grasp what’s happening, where it went wrong, and no matter what angle I take, or what curve I put on it, I always end up running in circles, always swinging back to me and my many faults.

I truly wish I could help the way I feel, it be so nice to just turn it all off, this need to be loved and forget. But it’s there to stay and haunt me. I truly hate it here, why do I try, honestly? Is there a reason to this, is there a point to feeling this miserable, insignificant, and for lack of better word alone. Soon, I won’t even have my parents or roommates around me. What will I do then? I hate this feeling and I’d trade anything to be free of it. And I truly miss the feeling of excitement and happiness that the future might have held, now I don’t even care if tomorrow comes. I hate it here.

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 15:15:46 GMT

Just took my first final, and to be honest I don't really care about how I did. It wasn't all that hard so I should be fine. I'm about to take my java final and again I don't really care that much. I studied alittle this morning but the class as a whole is a joke. Walked out this morning, and I do mean this morning, the sun wasn't even up yet to find it pouring outside. Needless to say I was soaking by the time I got to my first final, but to be honest the rain didn't bother me. I'm working on little to no sleep, my thoughts are everywhere except where they should be, and I'm starting to feel somewhat dizzy. I just wish this miserable week was over...not that the breaks going to be much fun, but it has to be better than this...well gtg take a final

Bored....so bored

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 00:29:03 GMT

Home alone, bored, waiting for the rents so I can leave. So bored that I decided to make a one of those online quizes everyones did like two weeks ago. Not that anyone will really take it, but eh it killed some time. So here it is:

Take My Quiz on
QuizYourFriends.com

sigh

Sun, 10 Dec 2006 07:05:30 GMT

Well I made it home in one piece....yay? I should go to sleep but for some reason I'm just can't, maybe its the complete lack of heat or maybe being alone in this house creeps me out, don't know. I should be dead tired, I've had about 3 hours sleep in the past 24 hours. Anyways whatever the reason I'm up and might as well write about my day. Going backwards, went to the gathering, the turn out was rather small but that didn't surprise anyone. The movies turned out to both be rather good, I honestly can say I didn't see the gay cop coming. Before that Heather and I ended up helping Laura move some of her stuff, nothing to major just some boxes of stuff. And before that I got back to school, this morning I had to pick up dog from the kennal. So that was pretty much my day...so yeah...bed time...

Cold...

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 16:01:01 GMT

Couldn't sleep at all last night. Don't know if it was the extreme cold or the fact that somethings been eating at me for some time now. Its always in the back of my mind and the frustrating part is theres nothing I can really do about it. I'm just at a loss...maybe I'm just plain not feeling well. I really don't know...I just hope this passes soon because I hate feeling this way.

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 18:01:42 GMT

Ok stole this quiz from Sailormewmew...it was a rather interesting quiz and I agree with most of the results.

If you want to be different:

Try indulging your imagination a bit more by experiencing new and different things.

Have a little more faith in your capacity to do things—turn your thoughts into actions!

...not to sure about turning my thoughts into actions though...

If you want to be different:

Because other people would benefit immensely from your understanding and insight, you should try to be more outgoing in social situations, even when they make you uncomfortable. Others will want to hear what you have to say!

...again I'm not too sure about that...

Oh dear god, I just noticed that my Feminity rating is higher than my Masculinity rating...why are they even rated?

http://www.personaldna.com/report.php?k=DCCwtQUiBkENLUU-AG-ADBAA-4e4c&u=521c0db55642#

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 04:50:47 GMT

Ok Stole this quiz from alot of people...took it honestly and this is what I got. Not sure what to make of it...>_>

Home...

Thu, 23 Nov 2006 03:31:27 GMT

Well I got up late today, packed, and drove home. Nothing really special there. To be honest I wasn't too thrilled about coming home, not sure why, maybe its just that I'll be one step closer to finishing this semester and lets just say my grades aren't really where I want them to be. Not to mention the stupid Earth Science project I have to finish this break. Anyways no point on dwelling on what I can't change. Good news I don't have any loan problems, I got a letter saying something was screwed up with my loans, but it turned out to be a mix up.

And yes I haven't posted in quite awhile, just been too busy. The only really important things that have happened where the Anime USA Con, which was great and yesterday. I had a great time yesterday, I honestly wish I had more days like that. Now if I could get over this feeling of dread...

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 15:59:45 GMT

cold, wet, and stuck in java class...enough said...

Cold, very Cold

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 21:20:29 GMT

Ok well yah I haven't posted in awhile. I've been rather lazy/busy if that makes any sense. Java still sucks, but thats really nothing new. Made a fool of myself in class last friday, and I have to dedicate my whole Sunday to working on this stupid lab. Even worse, I'll have to spend the next few days traveling back and forth from my house and school. Which I don't really mind doing so much, I did promise my parents I'd look after the animals and the house. But the drives just long enough to be tiring, still its nice to have the house to myself and not have a million roommates and their friends crowding the place. Although for some reason my room has no heat, so I'm freezing my ass off...>_>

Anyways had pretty fun weekend, spent friday watching Last Exile with the girls. Which was rather enjoyable because I've only ever been able to watch bits and pieces of that anime, and its nice to see it in it entirety. Saw the movie "The Santa Clause 3" this Saturday, good movie, its pretty much what I expected it to be.

Due to the fact that I'll be spending alot of my time traveling, I highly doubt I'll be posting much in the next week..oh well, so be it...

Drained in more ways than one...

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 22:10:47 GMT

Ok, got up really early at home, just so I could have plenty of time to get my blood drawn for hopefully that last time. It was kinda cool, I got up early enough to see the school kids waiting at there bus stops, the cool part is that they were all dress in their Halloween costumes. Anyways the blood thing didn't take long and a hour and half later I was back at school.

Went to lunch with the roommates and hell I found 5 whole dollars on the cafe floor ^_^!!! Good day so far. After lunch, went to Database class, made a fool of myself for not knowing an easy answer >_>. Afterword I headed to my apartment in Stone Ridge. Were I went through my usual routine of unpacking, relaxing, and checking sites. When I found out that I completely missed Heather while walking to my Database class...>_> feeling bad and alittle pissed at myself I decided to see if I could catch her coming out of her math class. Of course I get there and they're having some kind of quiz, which means she left early >_>, ok I think she might be in the Library, so I look there. Of course half way thought I realize that was probably her last class...GAH! So yah hunting for Heather was harder than I thought, she's much more elusive than I gave her credit for...I'll get you next time!!!

anyways, can't wait for tomorrow ^_^

I've been Probed....

Thu, 26 Oct 2006 00:29:54 GMT

Ok, I always thought X-rays could be done with your cloths on, but no...I was wrong, very wrong. First I get sent to a small room and told to strip and put that stupid gown on, you know the one the one thats open in the back... >_> so cold. Then, I was instructed to hop up on a metal table. Next I was placed in awkward positions while the x-ray machine moved into place around me and took the pictures. Oh well at least its over, all I have to do now is get up at the crack of dawn tomorrow and get my blood drawn before I head back to ship...

*sigh* is it friday yet???

Heads still spinning...

Mon, 23 Oct 2006 17:40:43 GMT

*deep breath*, ok...lets just say I'm sooo not use to feeling this way. First things first, hmmm how should I say this, I ended up confessing my feelings for someone yesterday alot sooner than I thought I would. Hell, I'm surprised I did it at all. I don't really know why I said it when I did, we were just talking to each other through IM, but we reached a point were I felt I just had to tell her. I've thought about her for some time, and for some reason I feel truly happy just being around her. Though she'd never admit it, she is very cute and she always manages to makes me laugh...whether she means to or not.

Good news is she didn't run away screaming when I told her how I felt. She did mention one problem thou, there are times when we're talking that we'll reach this period of silence...sadly its a problem I've always had. For the most part I'm a very quiet person, growing up an only child and living in the middle of nowhere can do that. Well, ok maybe it's just me being me, it just takes me awhile to open up, it always has. It not like I don't trust her, its just me.

Anyways I was alittle nervous about seeing her today after what I said, still really wanted to see her, but nervous non-the less. But I was just being stupid, I had a great time at lunch wish I could eat lunch with her every day, hell even class was fun...err...well sitting next to her and complaining about the stupid lab was fun.

damn, thinking about class I really need to schedule and get that lab done >_>...so yah very good day, just alittle tiring with all the running around this morning

You get what you pay for...

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 19:03:01 GMT

Ok, back at school and todays the day I start and hopefully finish all the work I've put off until the last minute...>_> YAY procrastination. At least I have my painkillers to keep me company, not sure I could sit here all night and plug in this mind numming information while being in constant pain.

I have to go back home on Tuesday, I'm getting my blood drawn...god I hate needles, yah yah I know I'm a wuss but I don't care. Hopefully I'll be able to get my X-rays done on the same day, I hate making unnecessary trips. I just hope I can make it back in time for club, I'm thinking of skipping my Java class that day. No real reason to go...

Hope everyone else had a good weekend...

Up, down, and all around....god I'm tired

Sat, 21 Oct 2006 01:44:26 GMT

Well, spent the morning getting rained on while mapping water flow, believe me it's as fun as it sounds >_>. Java class was boring, or it would have been if I didn't have Heather to bug. Database isn't even worth talking about. Neither is most of what came after. So here I am, at home, had to come home because I had a doctors appointment.

My Doctors visit...not to bad I guess. Bad thing is I have more doctors to see now, he wants a blood test done, and X-rays taken, even physical therapy. The blood test and X-rays I'll do, but theres no point taking physical therapy classes when we don't know whats wrong yet. I also got a prescription for some painkillers which I'm going to pick up tomorrow...not much else.

The stuff the Doc did to me put me in some pain, my back is on fire...sleeping going to be fun tonight...>_>

Ah man, I like being home...but not when I have so much work to do, Sunday is going to hurt...

Hmmmm...

Fri, 20 Oct 2006 00:34:18 GMT

Well, I pretty much failed my Database exam today. Well maybe I'm being a little dramatic, but I couldn't have gotten higher than a C. What a pain, I knew the material, but for some reason I just don't take exams well. I reach a point where I just don't care anymore and I want it to be over, I kinda just give up. Now of course I'm kicking myself because I knew the answers.

*sigh*

The nerves in my back are acting up again and of course I'm all out of pain killers. Soooo I'm off to the Doctors tomorrow, which means I'm going home. Which is good and bad. Bad because I actually have some work I really should get done, but I do enjoy seeing the rents and sleeping in my own room. Hopefully I can finially get my back fixed and I can feel normal again...this constant pain sucks...

All around a pretty boring and lonely day...

From Bad to Good...

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 17:31:22 GMT

It figures, I toss and turn all night and when I finaly get in a comfortable position it's time to get up and start the day >_>. Needless to say I got up late, by this time all my roommates are at there morning classes...but for some reason the bathroom door was closed. I think to myself, who the hells still here, turns out to be my roommates girlfriend that most of come up last night after I went to bed. No real big deal, she was out in less than two minutes, I'm just glad I didn't go bragging in. That could have been rather awkward.

Rushed to my first class, and spent most of it out side looking at storm drains...thats right storm drains, why? because we have to do a group presentation...on storm drains??? Yah I don't get this class at all, it's easy but kinda stupid. Well, maybe I'm not being fair, I can understand the importance of water conservation, but I just don't like being put in a group every other week and then having to give a speech on some inane topics.

Then there was Java class, yah again I don't really know why we even come to class. First of all he said he'd hand back some graded homework, which of course he didn't. Then we just sat there for the whole class, he didn't even tell us it was a lab day, I'm still not sure if it was. Anyways, I ended up skipping my last class and going to lunch with Heather, which was a hundred times better than Database. Normally I'd eat lunch alone on Wednesdays, so I'm glad I forced...err politely asked if she'd join me for lunch. It was fun talking to her and I feel bad about this, but it was hilarious to watch her eat ice cream, I'm sorry but it was.

...now I have to study for Database...>_> yay?

Rain...lots

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 19:55:00 GMT

I know this might sound odd, but I love the rain. Always have and most likely always will. Its hard to explain but it always produced an atmosphere that appeals to me, that and it seem to force people together, thou that may or may not be a good thing.

Enough about the weather, only one class today, if it can even be called a class. The class was pretty uneventful just started another stupid lab, though I wish my friend was feeling better, sucks not being able to do anything and see her in pain like that. But as usual I'm clueless as to what to say or do.

Nothing major happened after that...ran some arruns, lunch, old main, got my money problems straited out, called my mom, talked to her longer than I thought I would. She said she was looking for a job, but wasn't impressed with the one she looked at...no real surprise there. I love her, but she has very high standards and is on the obsessive compulsive side...I highly doubt she'll ever find a job...

Well I am looking forward to club tonight ^_^

Bla...

Mon, 16 Oct 2006 20:59:19 GMT

Today was a hurry up and wait kind of day. First I get up early and rush to get my paper for my morning class printed out. I get to the computer lab, which is packed >_> log on, or at least try too, the damn thing took like 10 freaking minutes to load. Finially I get that printed out and rush to my first class, by this time I'm beat, shouldn't have worn my coat today.

Ok, one paper down and one more to go. Only one minor problem, I have to log on to clipper to print the file I need and none of the regular computer labs have clipper. >_> pain in the ass, I had to rush around right before my database class and print it off from the computer in the class itself, and of course the printer is in another room, so I had to desperately search for that. Thankfully it was in the second room I search, so it didn't take as long as it could have.

Only good news today is I got a check from the school for thousand dollars, always good, thou I have no idea why I'm still getting grant money, I thought they already payed me back...my head hurts, I think I'll take a quick nap...

oh, and why is it I always think of the right thing to say, AFTER the fact, I mean it's so frustrating knowing I should have said this, or done that, instead my usual making a fool out of myself or just plain doing nothing...sorry that may sound confusing, but it hard to get into without it getting too personal, I'm going to pass out for alittle bit...